[Originally written: March 22nd, 2016]
It’s four o’ clock in the morning and I’m still wide-awake. Well, I was asleep, but then my toddler awoke around three o’ clock, crying to nurse. Normally, I would groggily plop my breast into his mouth and nurse him back to sleep, like I’ve done for the past thirty-two months of his existence. However, tonight was different because I had already decided the night prior would be our final time for nursing. The decision was not an easy one but was definitely a long time coming. Honestly, at this point, I feel like I’m taking this harder than him. I came to the realization that I was holding on to our breastfeeding bond just as much (if not more) as he was. Sometimes I used it as a cop out when I felt especially lazy or tired because it was a cure-all for owies, crankiness or colds. It always provided soothing comfort and was the surest way to put him to sleep. I cherished the intimacy and cuddles while breathing in the scent of his brown, feathered locks, as he’d lie on my chest. Even as I write this, I have to pause momentarily to take a deep breath. I am overcome with emotion at the closing of this precious chapter of motherhood.
Almost three years ago, we began our nursing journey together. He was just a nine-pound infant and me, a first-time mother without a clue. From pumping at odd hours, losing sleep, to cracked, sore nipples, we’ve had our share of hurdles to overcome. Some days I simply wanted to throw in the towel. Yet, I persevered for his sake. Around three months old we turned a corner as we began to really develop a flow. He was a milk addict from the start, often preferring it to any “real” food. He was constantly nursing it seemed and it didn’t slow down as time went on. Once he turned a year old, I began experiencing pressure from doctors, friends, and family to cut him off. However, I never had the heart to deny him of his favorite thing! So when his second birthday rolled around we were still going strong. When he turned two and a half there still seemed to be no end in sight.
Although I adored our special bond, nursing really started to become more of a nuisance than a joy. He would pull on my shirt in public and throw a fit if he didn’t have access. He would fumble into my lap to nurse even when I was trying to eat my own meal. He would nurse all throughout the night, often disrupting my sleep in the process. As he got stronger and bigger, he was more aggressive with twiddling, squeezing and sucking harder; it was physically uncomfortable for me. He also expected me to drop everything I was doing in order to nurse. I felt like I no longer had control over my own body and was beginning to resent it. For all of these reasons, I knew our nursing phase was coming to an end but frankly, I was not ready to let go. In a halfhearted attempt, I bought Earth Mama No More Milk Tea to dry up my supply while I tried gentle weaning. This is the technique where you gradually reduce one feeding a day over a couple of weeks.
However, this only seemed to confuse and frustrate him. I knew I’d have to wean him cold turkey instead but I felt terrified of the idea. What if I traumatized him? I didn’t want to deal with the tears, tantrums and sleepless nights. I almost gave up. I told myself, “So what if he nurses until he’s five or six?” I almost resigned to the idea of not having my body back until kindergarten. That was until I came across a video on YouTube posted by another desperate mother. She said that one simple trick helped to wean her toddler. With the use of children’s’ Band-Aids strategically placed over her nipples, she was able to convince her child that there was no more milk. I loved this idea and couldn’t wait to try it. So on our last night of nursing, I tried to explain to him that there would be no more milkies after that. So the next morning, we went out and bought him a bunch of prizes and treats to celebrate this milestone. Anytime he’d cry for milk, I’d offer him chocolate milk instead or distract him with one of the items from the store. It also helped that I kept him busy with a trip to the library, gym, and store. He would ask to see my Band-Aids and seemed to understand that mama’s boobs were no longer in order. I felt like I stumbled upon a gold mine! But let’s not get ahead of our selves; after all, it’s only day one. I will check back in within a week or so, to document our progress.
Overall I am optimistic and relieved. No major meltdowns, just a few tears and uncomfortable moments. I’m looking forward to beginning this new chapter of independence for both of us. Of course, this experience is very bittersweet as well. My little baby is quickly becoming a little boy. In just four months, he’ll be three years old and this is just one step of many towards his growing up.
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article sponsered by Northern Michigan certified lactation consulting and Mother Hubbards Country Cupboard
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