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Tuesday, April 28, 2020
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Tuesday, April 21, 2020
Birth During a Pandemic
During the start of the Covid-19 pandemic, I have heard from other doulas the issues of hospitals separating mother-babies which is driving the fear of these mothers in giving birth in hospitals, aside from the concerns of the virus patients in hospitals.
I want to let mothers know that separating you from your baby, especially during these times is the worst thing you can do. This is aside from being riddled with stress (being away from a newborn to fend himself/herself to a new surrounding outside your womb) will surely not help also.
Essential Interpartum Newborn Care (EINC) / Unang Yakap should still be done especially since it’s Administrative Order 2009-0025 by the Department of Health with the support of the World Health Organization (WHO).
Mantra: DO NO HARM.
The below is a Public Service Announcement from ALIMA Mother Support Center
The “mother-and-baby” dyad is one unit. Take them away from each other there are risks and consequences.
For the mother, if a baby is separated, she may be at risk for bleeding because the baby is not there to stimulate oxytocin release that aids in the uterine involution.
For the baby, if she is away from her mother, she is taken away from her main source of protection and nutrition. High levels of cortisol or stress hormones rush the moment they are not with their mother. A baby in a state of panic is not shown by crying but by shutting down to hibernation/survival mode.
Dr. Mianne Silvestre is the reason why we have UNANG YAKAP. Her work is the very foundation of the Essential Intrapartum and Newborn Care that is saving thousands of lives in the world.
She reminds health care providers that separating babies would mean a 4x increased risk of infection of dying.
Isolating babies will not ensure us they will not get COVID19. There is a big chance that babies can be exposed to the virus.
Last April 13 in Lipa, Batangas, a 10day old baby girl was positive with COVID19 and her mother tested negative.
Manage the risks but a mother and child should not be separated.
If the baby has COVID19 her saliva will signal her mother’s body to create antibodies for it. Breastmilk is both food and medicine!
This is a viral photo of cute babies in face shields in a hospital in Thailand. Face shields and isolation cannot protect these little ones.
FACE SHIELDS FOR BABIES
Babies should not wear face shields. This can pose as a hazard for breathing. Babies cannot maintain oxygen saturation and may rebreathe the CO2 under their shields. Or the headband may slip off and cause strangulation.
Routine separation delays breastfeeding initiation. They can get exposed to pathogens at any time during their stay in isolation or in the NICU and have no breastmilk to actively protect themselves.
Here is the evidence of the 4 fold increase of infection-related death.
This is not just 10 babies. These studies are from observing thousands of babies. This is not just 1 study but 2 different ones.
Please listen to evidence based studies!
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Monday, April 20, 2020
Top 11 tips from my lactation consultant
Hey Mamas here are some quick tips I learned from my lactation consultants. If you’re able to access one – even virtually, it can bring you and your partner some peace of mind.
I requested to speak to one during my stay in the hospital, and also hired one while I was pregnant to come to my home. She met us the day we came back from the hospital, she was invaluable. We had her come couple times a week for a few weeks after giving birth. As much as our family members might have some experience with children, these specialists have worked with hundreds of babies and Mamas, and are a wealth of knowledge. But even if you are unable to access to one, here are some top tips I took to heart:
- Breastfeeding hold – Hold the side of the baby’s head instead of the back of his head. Due to the possibility of trauma to the back of the baby’s head during childbirth, our lactation consultant recommended to cup your hand over the ear area to control their head.
- The milk lever – This was a favorite of ours, even my husband was able to help me with this cute little trick we learned. Your baby will often fall asleep at the breast before they are done eating, pull the milk lever to continue to fill ‘er up. A baby’s arm is typically curled up and in a fist, but when they are full, their arm will relax back and their palm will open. Pull the curled arm a bit to see if the are still hungry. It will wake the baby just enough to think you are pulling them away their food and they will immediately continue to nurse – or – their arm will be dead-weight, and you will know they are fully asleep and done eating.
- Less neck strain diaper change – Roll your newborn to it’s side when dressing and diaper changing. Avoid picking up the baby’s bottom too high by it’s legs like a chicken, a newborn’s neck is still weak. Instead, try rolling them to the side when you can to until he builds more strength.
- Cleaning baby bottles – Have a separate bowl to soak any baby bottles or pumping accessories after use. Don’t let the baby’s items come in contact with other adult food, it’s best to keep them separate.
- Cutting nails – A baby’s nails can be quiet long when they are born, but resist cutting your newborn’s nails, try to file perpendicular to the finger rather than side to side like you would your own nails. Wait several weeks before using a nail trimmer of any kind, since it’s pretty much guaranteed that you’ll nick your little one’s finger. And how those little fingers bleed! #cryfaceemoji 😭 It may not appear this way, but the skin of your child’s finger has not separated from the nail significantly enough yet. At this point the nail and underlying skin are indistinguishable.
- You don’t need baby mittens – Our lactation consultant and birthing instructor recommended against using baby mittens. When babies are born, their eyesight is highly myopic so they rely on their greatest senses of smell and touch. It is their only real way they can interact with the world. To deny them grabbing on to mama is like placing headphones over your ears. Their mouths and hands are also their only way to interact with the world. A hand to the mouth allows for self-soothing and also can indicate to you when they are hungry. Little scratches will happen (see #5), but nothing a little drop of breastmilk can’t heal it right up.
- Who switched my baby? – The baby you got in the first couple weeks will not be the same baby 3-4 weeks later. You finally think I’ve got this and then, something changes. Our LC told us that often times parents ask her Who switched out my baby? This is just part of the process, but the more you know! Which leads me to…
- Cry 😢 – Have you gotten in a good cry yet? Have you cried for what seems like absolutely no good reason? I felt like my LC knew exactly what I was going through at that moment – which also made me want to cry even more! With all my hormones shifting I couldn’t control my emotions and that’s OK! To cry it out is even recommended! Let it out Mama you’ve created a brand new life, you absolutely deserve that healing release.
- Take a freakin’ nap! – Seriously you. need. to. nap. Sneak in any sleep that you can. Grab and eye mask and put on white noise or sleep meditation. I know this sounds absolutely impossible, but just do it – this step is critical Mama! Napping will allow you to physically heal and have the mental and emotional stamina for those multiple middle-of-the-night feedings. The first few days it may be difficult to sleep due to a pure adrenaline rush, but that will quickly wear off. Also, importantly, sleep will help your milk to come in. I find that my milk replenishes even with a short nap.
- Limit visitors – Keep your sanity! For the first few weeks limit visits to 30 mins at a time. This may seem like a difficult conversation to have with close friends and family members, but lean on your partner to have these conversations for you. And if you do have any visitors, make sure to use them to your advantage, request the food you want (not what they will bring by default), ask them to do dishes or laundry – otherwise they are just not welcomed.
- Take care of you! – (Refer to #8) If you have a partner to help, let them take care of you and you only worry about feeding the baby and your recovery. Don’t be bashful to ask for snacks, (mother’s milk) tea, and have them lead the charge is keeping guests away, or sending them on their way when times up. Remember…
If Mama is happy, baby is happy & family is happy!
You’ve got this Mama!
-Jess
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Latch Chat Sessions- Why I'm offering FREE Lactation Services in the time of COVID-19
Latching in Love LLC is a Small Business that operates successfully by supporting Lactating Families
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Sunday, April 19, 2020
Birth and Beyond: preparation resources
Being a doula, I try my best to equip my clients on their upcoming birth and postpartum journeys. It is important to keep educating mothers (and partners) to ensure that they can arrive at an informed decision based on evidence-based information.
Books by reputable authors and teachers are the best start aside from attending our workshops will help empower these women.
For new/first-time parents who would like to understand and empower themselves for the upcoming birth can start with the below books:-
- Pam England’s Birthing from Within
This book is the basic book I would recommend for first-time mothers who want to dive into empowering their birth.
Here is a holistic approach to childbirth that examines this profound rite-of-passage not as a medical event but as an act of self-discovery. Exercises and activities such as journal writing, meditation, and painting will help mothers analyze their thoughts and face their fears during pregnancy. For use during birth, the book offers proven techniques for coping with labor pain without drugs, a discussion of the doctor or midwife’s role, and a look at the father’s responsibilities. Childbirth education should also include what to expect after the baby is born. Here are baby basics, such as how to bathe a newborn, how to get the little one to sleep, and tips for getting nursing off to a good start. Pregnancy, birth, and postpartum is a process of continuous learning and adjustment; this book provides the necessary support and education to make each phase of birthing a rewarding experience.
- Ibu Robin Lim’s can purchase these books via Ibu Robin Lim’s website
(a) Placenta: the Forgotten Chakra
The placenta, the root of your origin, is a miraculous organ that shares and protects your life. It is the conductor that unites you with your mother and serves as the control panel of the womb-ship that sustains you until you are born. It was conceived at the moment of your genesis. Your placenta is genetically identical to you. Though you share some of your parents’ genetic identity, unless you have a monozygotic (identical) twin, no one, except your placenta, has ever been so perfectly, exactly you. Sexual reproduction, the act of creating new life, only works because of the placenta.
As mammals, we reproduce sexually, so sex is the reddest, hottest tile in the mosaic of our earthly lives, and the placenta is the mandala in the center of this miracle. Historically, our creation stories tell of the Earth Mother birthing the world: her amniotic fluid became the oceans, the placenta became the Tree of Life. This demonstrates how essential the placenta is to our survival and how embedded it is in our psyche.
According to Chaos Theory, dynamic systems are sensitive to start-up conditions. Human beings are extremely dynamic systems, and our survival hinges on the strength of our individual immune systems. The placenta is the commander-in-chief of the baby’s immune system during embryonic development (i.e. condition of start-up). Thus, we must protect our offspring’s placentas by being gentle during the transition of birth, to give our children the best possible start and protect the very foundation of their immune systems.
(b) After the Baby’s Birth
The first few weeks and months after a baby’s birth can be a wonderful and confusing time. While trying to discover the best ways to care for her child, new (and experienced) mothers often neglect their own health. It is essential, however, that mothers pay as much attention to their own wellness as they pay to their baby’s health and happiness during this crucial time.
In a completely revised and updated edition, childcare, and women’s wellness expert Robin Lim guides mothers through the best methods of mother and baby postpartum care, including parental nurturing, breastfeeding, the role of the father, nutrition, and early sensory education.
Focusing on natural and wholesome practices, this book gives a sensitive, practical guide to post-pregnancy health. This includes touching personal stories based on real-life experiences of mothers.• Features a collection of delicious recipes formulated especially for postpartum women, plus a special chapter dedicated to the ancient practice of Ayurvedic medicine.
- Ina May Gaskin’s Guide to Childbirth
This book draws upon thirty-plus years of experience, Ina May Gaskin, the nation’s leading midwife, shares the benefits and joys of natural childbirth by showing women how to trust in the ancient wisdom of their bodies for a healthy and fulfilling birthing experience. Based on the female-centered Midwifery Model of Care, this book gives expectant mothers comprehensive information on everything from the all-important mind-body connection to how to give birth without technological intervention.
Filled with inspiring birth stories and practical advice, this invaluable resource includes reducing the pain of labor without drugs–and the miraculous roles touch and massage play, etc. This book takes the fear out of childbirth by restoring women’s faith in their own natural power to give birth with more ease, less pain, and less medical intervention.
- Penny Simkin’s Pregnancy, Childbirth and the Newborn: a complete guide
This puts parents in control of the birth. It is based on the latest medical research and recommendations from leading health organizations. It provides the information and guidance you need to make informed decisions about having a safe and satisfying pregnancy, birth, and postpartum period–decisions that reflect your preferences, priorities, and values. This book tells you up-front all the things:- normal healthy birth process, their variations and the usual care practices for monitoring to possible complications and the care practices for resolving them. The language is clear and tone is reassuring while empowering parents through inclusion.
It gives sensible nutrition advice to realistic birth plans, from birth doulas when desired to cesareans when needed, from reducing stress during pregnancy to caring for yourself as well as your baby after birth, this pregnancy guide speaks to today’s parents-to-be like no other.
- Debra Pascali-Bonaro’s Orgasmic Birth
Based on the hit documentary that inspired a vibrant online community, this innovative approach to birthing shows women how to maximize childbirth’s emotional and physical rewards.
With more than 4 million babies born in the United States each year, too many women experience birth as nothing more than a routine or painful event. In her much-praised film Orgasmic Birth, acclaimed filmmaker Debra Pascali-Bonaro showed that in fact childbirth is a natural process to be enjoyed and cherished. Now she joins forces with renowned author and activist Elizabeth Davis to offer an enlightening program to help women attain the most empowering and satisfying birth experience possible. While an orgasmic birth can, for some, induce feelings of intense, ecstatic pleasure, it is ultimately about taking control of one’s own body and making the most informed decisions to have a safe, memorable, and joyful birth day.
Whether women choose to give birth at home, in a hospital, or in a birthing center, Orgasmic Birth provides all the necessary tools and guidance to design the birth plan that’s best for them. Featuring inspiring stories from mothers and their partners and filled with practical advice and solutions, this one-of-a-kind resource is the next frontier of natural, intimate childbirth.
Those who are looking into VBAC (Vaginal Birth After Caesarean) would want to prepare with the below books:-
- Diane Korte’s The VBAC Companion: the Expectant’s Mother’s Guide to Vaginal Birth After Cesarean.
The Cesarean Rate is finally dropping in the United States, primarily because women who have had this operation are saying no to a repeat cesarean. They are doing so because vaginal birth after cesarean, or VBAC, is generally safer than the alternative. For most women, though, VBAC is still a scary prospect.
In this book, Diana Korte explains the risks and benefits of both VBACs and repeat cesareans. She tells how to work on overcoming fears about labor, how to find a VBAC-friendly doctor (or midwife) and hospital (or birth center), and how to get extra support, from a labor assistant, childbirth educator, or VBAC support group. Korte also describes pain-relieving techniques for labor, and routine hospital procedures to avoid. Throughout the book are VBAC success stories, told in the mothers’ own words, for inspiration on the path to a safe and joyful birth.
- Louis Esner’s Silent Knife: Cesarean Prevention and Vaginal Birth After Cesarean
This is the bible of cesarean prevention. It will help provide the course of obstetric care by giving parents the information they need to make the decisions that are best for their own families. It is comprehensive, highly readable, sensitive and should be read by everyone who cares about someone.
This is the second book I refer to mothers who are opting for a VBAC birth.
- Cut, Stapled, and Mended: When One Woman Reclaimed Her Body and Gave Birth on Her Own terms After Cesarean
“Birth isn’t a battle to win or lose. It’s the result of delving into your vulnerability and finding your true feminine power.”
In exquisite detail, Roanna holds nothing back in her powerful birth memoir, plunging the reader deep into the intimacy of this universal rite of passage. Part memoir, part manifesto, this is a must-read for anyone who has given birth, will give birth, or who loves someone who will give birth.
For Spinning Babies books, I would recommend the following:-
- Janet Balaskas’ Active Birth: The New Approach to Giving Birth Naturally
This book revolutionized childbirth by turning birthing mothers from subdued and passive patients to active and empowered owners of their childbirth experience. Janet Balaskas started a movement of women who refused to give birth lying down and she has been teaching women about “active birth” ever since. She emphasizes the importance of movement during labor, the wide range of options and positions for the delivery itself, and the many natural alternatives to heavy sedation and other medical interventions. Her book is eminently useful whether you are planning to give birth in a hospital, a free-standing birth center, or at home. If such options as water birth or hypno-birthing are appealing to you, this is an essential book; at the same time, it is non-judgmental and encourages you to give birth in whatever manner and position you see fit. Let Janet Balaskas show you how to prepare for and experience a truly natural, joyful and empowering birth.
- Gail Tully’s Belly Mapping Workbook
Belly Mapping Workbook is 48 eye-opening pages of childbirth preparation with 100 illustrations describing how pregnant women can discover their baby’s position and what to do when it isn’t ideal, including breech and posterior.
This informational workbook empowers parents wanting easier birth using Gail Tully’s 3-part process for a woman in late pregnancy to approximate fetal position using her baby’s kicks and wiggles. Childbirth educators, doulas, and yoga teachers join parents around the world enjoying the Belly Mapping Workbook.
Bereavement and Postpartum Depression Books
- Paul Kirk’s When Hello Means Goodbye
A guide for parents whose child dies before birth, at birth or shortly after birth. This sensitive booklet is a help to families during the early days of their grief. It helps answer questions and prepare parents for the days ahead. It can be given to parents at the first acknowledgment of their baby s death to help them best use the short time they ll have with their little one. Among topics covered are: collecting keepsakes; ways to celebrate the birth and death of a baby; reasons for seeing, holding and naming a dead baby; emotions common to bereaved parents; information about autopsies; where to find help; and the unique situations of fathers, siblings, and grandparents.
- Amy Wright Glenn’s Holding Space: On Loving, Dying, and Letting Go
This book looks at the spiritual, emotional, and philosophical implications of end-of-life care by an elegant and literary writer who is a hospital chaplain.
As a hospital chaplain, Amy Wright Glenn has been present with those suffering from suicide, trauma, disease, and unforeseen accidents and has been witness to the intense grief and powerful insights that so often accompany loss. She weaves together memoir, philosophical inquiry, and cutting-edge research on death/dying to chronicle how we, as individuals and as a culture, handle everything from grief to mortality.
Glenn is also a professional birth doula with a deep and committed mindfulness practice who has thought deeply about the significance of human love and loss. She asks us to embrace the task of being present with what is — through courageous and mindful expressions of compassionate presence — and helps us to accept the fact of our own mortality on a visceral and emotional level, not simply as an intellectual abstraction.
This book concludes by integrating key insights drawn from working directly with the dying into a moving and compelling meditation on the healing power of “holding space” for all involved in caring for the dying, a healing sorely needed in our culture at this time.
- Melissa Bruijin’s How to Heal a Bad Birth: Making Sense, Making Peace and Moving on
How to Heal a Bad Birth is a straightforward guide for women who have experienced a difficult, disappointing or traumatic birth, and want to gain understanding and clarity about ‘what happened’ and why they feel so bad…and move on.
Written by the founders of Birthtalk.org™, this book works double-time as an indispensable resource for partners, family and health professionals, enabling them to offer meaningful support for a woman in this situation.
- Pacific Post Partum Support Society’s Postpartum depression and anxiety: A self-help guide for mothers
The idea for this book came from the realization that many women are suffering from some degree of postpartum depression and that very few will find access to supportive care while going through it. Some of our own mothers are only now feeling safe enough to talk about their experiences and describe how alone and crazy they felt. The material in this book is based on over thirty years of counseling thousands of women with postpartum depression. These women have willingly shared their experiences with each other, and together they have explored what has helped them. It is their knowledge, wisdom, courage, and generosity that has made this book possible. Emphasis has been put on those common threads which run through the experience of postpartum depression. The term “perinatal depression” is being used to describe postpartum depression in many newer research, journals, and publications. It is an umbrella term that better reflects the fact that symptoms can begin during pregnancy as well as postpartum. In this book, we refer to “postpartum depression”, which fits under the more general category of “perinatal” symptoms. As you read, keep in mind that you are going to survive this. However hopeless you may feel, try to remember that it will end. Women grow and change as they cope with their depression. After it is all over, many women say they are glad they went through the experience.
-
Karen Kleiman’s This Isn’t What I Expected [2nd edition]: Overcoming Postpartum Depression
This book was written by two postpartum experts. It is a definitive guide in offering support and solid advice on dealing with every aspect of Postpartum Depression (PPD).
If you or someone you love is among the one in seven women stricken by PPD, you know how hard it is to get real help. This proven self-help program, which can be used alone or with a support group or therapist, will help you monitor each phase of illness, recognize when you need professional help, cope with daily life, and recover with new strength and confidence.
Fertility Issues:
Toni Weschler’s Taking Charge of Your Fertility, 20th Anniversary Edition: The Definitive Guide to Natural Birth Control, Pregnancy Achievement, and Reproductive Heal
Since the publication of Taking Charge of your Fertility two decades ago, Toni Weschler has taught a whole new generation of women how to become pregnant, avoid pregnancy naturally and gain better control of their gynecological and sexual health by taking just a couple minutes a day using the proven Fertility Awareness Method.
This 20th Anniversary Edition has been thoroughly revised and fully updated with:
(a) the latest medical advances in assisted reproductive technologies (ART)
(b) more in-depth coverage of women’s gynecological and sexual health
(c) new illustrations, photographs, and an expanded color insert
(d) new sample charts
(e) an expanded appendix
(f) Six new chapters including Three Prevalent Conditions—Endometriosis, Ovarian Cysts, and PCOS, Natural Ways to Balance Your Hormones, Preserving Your Future Fertility, Miscarriages, Idiopathic Infertility, Causes of Unusual Bleeding
It is clear and comprehensive, yet warm and approachable, and is one of the most universally lauded health books on the market today. It is an essential reference for every woman of reproductive age.
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Saturday, April 18, 2020
An Overlooked, Possibly Fatal Coronavirus Crisis: A Dire Need for Kidney Dialysis
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The First Weeks
No matter where you may be on your breastfeeding journey, there’s one topic that comes up over and over again, and is a source of stress and preoccupation for so many mamas. You guessed it – this topic is MILK SUPPLY.
…Will my milk come in?
…How can I tell if my baby is getting enough?
…Can I skip feedings without affecting my supply?
…How can I increase my supply?
…What if I have an oversupply?
These questions come up time and time again, and unfortunately, while there are many resources out there, there is also a lot of outdated and inaccurate information. This is the first of a series of posts talking about the basics of milk supply, where we’ll delve into some of the most common questions.
What does a “normal” milk supply look like?
First of all, there is no real “normal” in anything related to lactation, as every woman’s body is slightly different. There is a typical progression, though, in how milk production happens for most women – we’ll talk elsewhere about some of the most common situations that might make this not the case.
Prenatal
Throughout pregnancy, most women will notice some breast changes. Soreness, increase in size, and more sensitive nipples are all common symptoms. Some women will notice some leaking of yellow colostrum during the third trimester, but this is not at all an indicator of what your milk supply will be later on.
The first days postpartum
The first milk your body produces for your baby is colostrum, a thick yellow liquid packed with rich fats and nutrients for the newborn’s first days. Because colostrum is so nutrient dense, it is only produced in very small amounts, which can make it easy to wonder if your baby is actually getting enough. A newborn’s stomach is very small, and while your newborn baby will need to nurse very frequently, they won’t be taking in a large volume at once and that’s ok! The best indicator of getting enough to eat is wet diapers – if baby is peeing frequently, they’re taking in enough! If you do have concerns about their intake, a lactation consultant can help you do a weighted feed, weighing baby before and after feeding with a very sensitive scale, to see exactly how much milk baby took in during the feeding. It’s normal for baby to lose a little bit of weight in the first 24 hours after birth, as they adjust and start to eat, but generally, we don’t like to see baby lose more than 7% of their birth weight so your pediatrician will be paying attention to this. Some babies can take a while to figure out latching effectively – especially if they are premature at all – so in some cases hand-expressing colostrum and giving it in a syringe can be a good option.
The first week
Anywhere between 2-6 days postpartum is typically when your breastmilk transitions from colostrum to mature breastmilk. This is what most people refer to as your milk “coming in”. Hormones in these first days trigger your body to ramp up the volume of milk produced, so many mamas will notice their breasts becoming full, warm and hard, with more easily expressed milk – that sometimes leaks out on it’s own, especially when your baby cries! The milk itself changes from the thick yellow colostrum to a whiter, more watery-appearing liquid. Over the next few weeks, your body will begin to regulate the amount of milk to just what your baby needs, but in the beginning it is easy for your breasts to become uncomfortably full (referred to as engorgement). It’s important to keep emptying them consistently, whether by breastfeeding or pumping, to prevent clogged ducts from forming. During this time, your body is learning how much milk your baby needs. The more that is taken out, the more it will produce. Sometimes it can feel like baby never stops eating in those early days – most babies will eat at least 8-12 times a day! – but that’s because it’s their job to stimulate that milk production!
As always, if you are starting out your breastfeeding journey and are struggling at any of these points, please seek out a lactation consultant or support group early. They can help troubleshoot any issues, as well as reassure you about what’s normal!
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Monday, April 13, 2020
Rituals and Sabbaths for Large Family Life
We all have family rituals, whether we realise that is what they are or not. In a larger family these rituals start to take on a life of their own, becoming a sort of adhesive that binds the family together. They might take a little bit of effort to set up, but if the fit is right, I reckon they become the things kids grow up and remember as part of themselves, helping them feel they belong. They communicate a sense of collective belonging that is one of the key ingredients to intrinsic wellbeing. Our household of six has a number of rituals for daily life, weekly rhythm, and marking special occasions and holidays. In the nationwide lockdown currently in place in New Zealand, holiday rituals and sabbath-rest-days have taken on an even greater importance as a way of marking time and fostering a sense of security in all the weirdness and anxiety.
Family ritual as spiritual discipline
Why use the world “ritual” rather than routine?Well, for me it connotes a sort of spiritual discipline aspect to the activity, where the value is in the repetition built up over time, not the amazing quality or planning or special oomph of just one event. The discipline is continuing to show up and trusting that the showing up will be enough to make connection and growth happen. Like meditation or a commitment to others forms of spiritual practice, family rituals are a commitment of the mind that takes some discipline to undertake. Rituals are a stable, embodied, repeated action, where something is done in a certain way to represent a deeper meaning.
So what kind of rituals am I talking about here? And how does this relate to large families? Some examples of rituals we use include the following:
- The morning greeting, where each child is greeted separately and directly before any instructions are issued.
- The after school check-in, where each child is welcomed and greeted, briefly asking about their day.
- The family meal, which begins with setting the table, saying grace when the cook is seated, and staying at the table until everyone is finished – then associated chores!
- Reading together before bed, although this changes over time depending on the age of the children. Currently, it is the middle two and we are listening to a Harry Potter audio book.
- Saturday pancakes & chores, where Mum gets up and cooks pancakes with whoever is up, and people come and take a stack as they emerge from their bedrooms. After pancakes, each person has an age-appropriate family chore (emptying bins, cleaning the bathroom) and a chore to do with their own belongings (changing sheets, tidying rooms).
- Sunday church & deli lunch, which was put in place after going out for a meal became too expensive on a weekly basis. We choose something from the supermarket deli on the way home from church.
- Weekend games (board or sport), which is Dad and kids and can include both competitive and collaborative games. Current favourites are Pandemic (board game) and Gutterboard (outdoor game).
- Christmas Eve vegetarian feast, which is a Polish tradition we adapted, and includes waiting until the first star appears before opening a present.
- Good Friday homemade hot cross buns, a tradition adapted from my family (we didn’t make them thought).
- Easter Sunday egg dying and egg hunt, which involves dying plain boiled eggs for breakfast, and an indoor or outdoor hunt for Easter eggs – then sharing them all out equally afterwards.
- Various birthday traditions, including cake, choosing a meal, presents in bed, and singing happy birthday in as many languages as we can.
None of these rituals are high energy, and none are in themselves ‘necessary’, but they all say something about what we value. They also communicate to each child that they are part of those values, and that they themselves are also valued as part of the family. The commitment to repeating these rituals communicates reliability and care for the family as a unit. If it were not for these rituals, it is possible in a larger family (especially with an academic mother) that a child might be overlooked for a period of time, and of course feel neglected and even start to withdraw or act out.
Dyed eggs for Easter breakfast
Sabbaths as spiritual discipline
One ritual I find hard to practice the Sabbath. Now we don’t really practice Sabbath in the Jewish sense, but we do try to hold on to the weekends as special somehow, as times where the family can expect me, as the earner, to be present in home life and not working. Saturday is the day we care for our house and prepare ourselves for the week, including getting washing done, cleaning chores, meal planning and shopping for food or other provisions. By setting aside time for this and participating in it weekly, the message is that these task are important and are not the job of one person. I therefore consider this a sort of feminist spiritual practice! It also communicates that each member of the family is important and contributes something. This is important to communicate so the children do not foster their self-worth only on academic work or other achievement oriented values. Even chores done imperfectly are a blessing and contribution to the family – it is the ‘turning up’ that counts.
Sundays are days of community and self-care. We usually go to church as a family, and we then go pick up lunch from the supermarket deli on the way home. (We used to go out for lunch when we only had two kids, but now that is unaffordable!). My daughter and I are regularly rostered on to the band, and my husband to the creche. Church can be pretty boring, but by continuing to show up, we communicate that we value this community and what it stands for (in our church, that includes social justice and environmental sustainability). Relationships are built through this ritual of showing up. When my husband had a stroke earlier this year, members of the church community rolled into action with support for us — babysitting, food, help with chores, check-in phone calls and more. The kids knew these people coming into our home and had reliable adults with whom to process what was happening, when I had to be at the hospital. Sunday evenings, I go to my weekly yoga class, and the kids are responsible for cooking dinner. This is framed as a contribution of care because it is dad’s ‘day off’ (he cooks much of the week) and mum’s self-care time. Some years, I might have early morning Monday lectures, which demand a Sunday afternoon work time. Or occasionally I might be working on something with an imminent due date that cannot be put off. I try to at least put it off until the afternoon when everyone is doing their own thing so it doesn’t impinge on family time.
Even harder is taking a Sabbath rest during a public or religious holiday. Work is very important to me, and I think about it all the time. If left to myself, I absolutely would work every weekend and public holidays too. So I am grateful to my children for providing a structure to my life that forces me to take a break and rejuvenate my mind. The cognitive dissonance of home labour, community time and rest certainly increases my desire to work come Monday or the next work day. And I believe that the balance truly creates an efficiency that draws on the balance and focus cultivated through Sabbath-like practices. It is a spiritual practice in that it provides this rejuvenation and because it relies on a certain discipline of ritualised behaviour that builds habits of rest over time. Occasionally, I develop a little niggling concern that I’m missing out somehow by not working on the weekend regularly like my other academic colleagues. Sometimes I suspect that my kids don’t actually even care or seem to notice if I am working or not. But I think this reiterates again that this is a spiritual discipline, put in place to ritualise wellbeing and balance.
Chores and maintenance are an essential part of our ‘Sabbath’ rest days
Rituals, Sabbaths and Larger Families
Finally, what does this have to do with large families, and why is this still important during times of pandemic and lockdown where I am continually present at home anyway? To answer the first, I think as our children develop their own interests and personalities, and the differences between them become more acute over time, there is a danger that little family factions will develop or that certain forms of interaction become hardened over time. For example, I’m pretty sure my teen would stay in her room 90% of the time rather than 70% if we didn’t have these things in place. She might roll her eyes that she has to stay at the table with us until everyone has finished eating, but being present with us even a little bit longer makes less real the belief that ‘nobody understands me’ and ‘I am alone in this world’ that is common at this age. I’m pretty sure my husband and I would just take turns with the baby and let the others run a bit wild since technically they can care for themselves. This would encourage the belief that ‘middle children don’t matter’ and ‘the baby is more special than me’ that often inadvertently develops in busy families. I don’t think we can necessarily prevent these beliefs from forming and developing, but we can make sure there are regular times where every individual is acknowledged because everyone is present and needed.
Family rituals also work to connect the family together and create a sense of ‘us’ that translates into a sense of belonging. In my father’s large family, traditions such as singing certain songs or telling certain bad jokes create a sense of belonging, even if it is punctuated with groans. In our everyday rituals, a minimum engagement with the family is communicated, and a flexible rigidity puts in place the kind of boundedness that helps a healthy attachment relationship and community grow. The stability of knowing rituals – pancakes come on Saturday and everyone must be present at the table for mealtimes – communicates that ‘our family is important’, and likewise, ‘I am important’.
Public holidays and religious holidays are important here too. The reason they are important is that everyone gets a day off on the same day, which is the perfect opportunity for collective family rituals to develop and be maintained. While technically as an academic with 5 weeks of paid annual leave per year, I could just take a rest day at any time I was not teaching, the fact that we all get holidays at the same time on certain days fosters the sense of togetherness, affiliation, belonging in community that contribute to intrinsic wellbeing at both social and individual levels.
Rituals and Sabbaths in times of collapsed boundaries
In times of collapsed boundaries as workplaces move into the homes, I reckon it is important to keep these rituals in place to provide that same sense of secure boundedness. When we work from home, we often have to enforce false boundaries in order to get work done — for example, putting off the requests of our children for attention in order to pay attention to a screen and incomprehensible tasks that don’t seem very important. Constantly saying ‘no’ and/or ignoring children can really become hard for them to bear, and they will certainly start letting you know in a variety of passive and direct ways! By having a commitment to our usual rituals, we are communicating that our children are important and that they matter, that we will fulfil our commitments to them in the same way that we do with our colleagues. I am all for fostering independence in the children, but I think that really only happens when they are secure that they will get what they need from us.
Two days ago was Easter Sunday. I could have spent the day reading a colleague’s 12,000 word article and preparing for an Easter Monday Zoom meeting scheduled. I did consider it, because I do care about my colleagues, but I also knew that my 6 year old had been counting down the days to Easter and that something special better happen.
In the end, I gave my apologies for the meeting on the grounds that it was a public holiday, and then we made a special Easter in Lockdown happen. We reminded ourselves of the Easter story. We boiled the eggs, then dyed them in food colouring. Each egg was different when peeled. After breakfast we had an Easter egg hunt in the backyard. Then a walk followed, to count the Easter eggs people are colouring and taping to their windows as a Lockdown activity. Then everyone did their own thing until dinner was served at 1pm. We had a tablecloth and napkins, fancy glasses and drinks, roast lamb and vegetables. We took family photos. Then everyone doing their own thing until the next meal: a collaborative starter and dessert meal. The eldest made the dessert. The second made the soup with supervision. The third learned how to make scones. Dad set the table and cleaned up. Baby enthusiastically sampled everything. We finished with listening to an audio book of Harry Potter before bed. While we couldn’t fulfil all the Easter rituals we usually have (we often travel to see family or go to church if we are home), it was enough to show that the day was special, that it was not a work day, that the story of new life and hope is important to our family.
So that’s my thoughts on this. I wonder how much of this is idiosyncratic, how much is how I was brought up, and how much is cultural? I do know that the longer I do this parenting thing, the more I find rituals and Sabbaths provide opportunity to define and shape our family, helping each person to find a place and belong. What rituals do you have in your family life? What challenges do you face in committing to regular rest-times?
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