What to Expect When You're Expressing: Breastfeeding Wows and Woes

No one, I repeat, NO ONE warns you about how difficult breastfeeding is. I read all kinds of literature, blogs, books, and talked to many women and nothing gave me the inclination that I would shed many tears over such an essential life process that you’d think would come naturally. So, I’d like to share with you mamas-to-be or ladies who are looking to try breastfeeding for the first time some things that I wish I had known about.

During my pregnancy, I read up on what to expect when breastfeeding. I researched breast pumps and read endless reviews before making an educated decision to purchase the Spectra S1 pump (which I am very pleased with). I bought all the essentials: lanolin, washable and disposable pads for my bra, nursing bras and tanks, milk storage bags, shields, nipple butter, and a hot/cold pack made just for breastfeeding. I did worry about being able to breastfeed since my grandmother and mother were not successful (I do not know if this is because it’s so daggum difficult or because they just couldn’t or didn’t want to). So many of my friends had breastfed and so I didn’t think it would be too difficult. I worried about the milk production, and rightfully so.

At the hospital, the time and experience I had with the on-staff lactation consultants was not very helpful. From the beginning, I felt rushed and that it was very forceful. They wheeled in a Medela Symphony pump and basically said, “Start pumping every two hours and collect your colostrum so you can give it to him; It’s supply and demand honey so don’t forget to pump so it will come in” but there was no real instruction other than that. As for the latch training, that consisted of showing me a very uncomfortable position to hold him (while I was extremely exhausted and nervous) and shoving him onto my nipple while he screamed. He hated it. He just wanted to sleep. I hated the experience. The hospital wanted him eating every 2 hours and threatened to start pricking his foot to check his glucose levels if he wasn’t eating. The last day we were there, we had a different LC and she told us that it wasn’t necessary and that babies are born with three to four days worth of glycogen stores because it takes time to learn how to latch and feed and it takes that long for mother’s milk to come in. I suppose the hospital has protocol and doesn’t want to be liable for babies that become malnourished, but the whole process was nerve-wracking and they began to push formula from the second day. This began the woes of our breastfeeding journey.

When we got home, I tried to get him to latch with those lovely techniques of shoving his screaming face onto my breast to no success. I began to panic because I didn’t know what to do and felt like he needed to eat more than what I was giving him. We continued with the supplementing of formula against my wishes. This began the worst seven weeks of our lives.

If you can avoid it, DO NOT BEGIN SUPPLEMENTING WITH FORMULA. Not only does it screw up your milk supply, it can create a world of problems for your little one and yourself. Our son ended up with so many tummy troubles and we are 100% certain it was from the formula. I’m not against those who want to formula feed, but if you plan on breastfeeding, I learned some things that may help you along the journey if it’s really what you want to do. It took us seven weeks to get it, but I hope I can shed some light by sharing our experience.

I cried and cried because Liam wouldn’t eat from my breast. Giving in to the suggestion to supplement left us in a predicament of milk supply shortage, poop problems, hours staring at walls while I tried pumping only to get an ounce of milk, and one miserable, screaming, gassy, troubled baby. We noticed his poops became very green, frothy, and putrid, which was troubling. We were constantly having to use Gripe Water and Windis to help relieve gas and stimulate him to poop. There were nights he would cry for 8 hours straight. I thought surely he’d tire himself out, but he did not. The swing would help, but with him being so little, I stayed in the room with him and napped on the floor while he finally succumbed to sleep. I was so distraught and did not know how to soothe my baby. He kept getting formula and a minimal amount of breast milk in a bottle, but his problems kept worsening. We were then instructed to try a new formula due to him possibly having a sensitivity to cow’s milk protein. He wouldn’t even eat that formula. So, we went back to the previous and started mixing half formula and half breast milk. We saw improvement with that and I determined I’d try ANYTHING to get my milk production up.

I tried every supplement, oatmeal, lactation cookies, and other products that I could get my hands on. Whether any of them helped or not, I don’t know, but I do know that after weeks of trying and pumping constantly, I finally had a breakdown. One night I was sitting in the glider, staring at the wall in front of me and deciding if this was something I could do or not. With tears streaming down my face, I had almost given up completely. I felt utterly hopeless and did not know what else I could do. I felt inadequate. I felt like a horrible mother because I could not feed my son. I could not provide what he needed. We had resorted to feeding him something that made him writhe in pain and it was my fault. My failure to produce milk was the cause of his pain and suffering. These are are thoughts that an exhausted, helpless mother will have when she just doesn’t know what else to do and cannot get a break from what she feels are constant screw-ups. Every time I tried to get him to latch, he would fight and scream. We tried everything- pediatric chiropractor, Gripe Water, gas drops, different types of formula, probiotics, extra burping, anti-colic bottles (DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THE “DIAGNOSIS” OF COLIC)- everything. I don’t know what caused a change- maybe it was my “wits-end” moment- but we finally got a breakthrough.

The next day, my husband took us for a drive and we went to a beautiful location. I fed my son his mix of poison (I’m totally calling it that because of what it did to my son’s stomach and bowels) and breast milk. When we came home a few hours later, I noticed he began nuzzling around my breast (for the first time since he was born) and I thought to myself, “I’ll try, but it’s going to be like every other failed attempt and he will get mad.” To my surprise, he did not. He immediately latched on and ate like a friggin champ. I cried tears of shear joy and just prayed that this would continue. He was seven weeks old. I was going back to work in a week. I had no milk stored, but we decided we were throwing out the formula and we were going to make this work. Now that it was determined he did know how to latch and he could do it, we began the process of learning to bond and breastfeed my baby.

In time, Liam began to desire me and prefer me over the bottle. Many mothers who have had to resort to bottle-feeding have said that the baby just wouldn’t take the to breast because it’s more work for them and bottles make them lazy. I felt this was the case in the beginning, but now, he wants me and let me tell you something- that makes me feel like the most successful mother. Now at 15 weeks old, this little guy and I have bonded, he has no problems whatsoever eating and the little smiles he cracks at me during feedings warm my heart. But before getting to this point, there were things we had to overcome. I did find the more he latched on, the more milk I was able to produce. Of course you have ZERO idea of how much baby is eating while on the breast, but when you see them “milk drunk” after a feeding, you can rest assured that he is satiated. He began sleeping better almost immediately after all of the poisonous formula had evacuated his system. He bowel movements became regulated (we were lucky if we got one poopy diaper per week) and they began transitioning back to what normal breastfed baby poop looks like (mustard yellow and seedy). There were far less gas attacks. Liam was almost a different child. I felt like the first seven weeks of his life were horrible for him, but now he is happy and thriving.

Here are things I would change if I could go back:

1. Ditch the lactation consultants at the hospital. I know it sounds nuts, but I am convinced that had they not put the “he must eat every two hours” guilt trip on us, we could have learned to breastfeed immediately without ever supplementing. Like I mentioned, I know they have to make sure babies aren’t starving, but for crying out loud, let the child and mother LEARN. It’s all new. They’re built for this, but it takes time.
2. I would have used my breast pump at home BEFORE he was born. I didn’t know how to work the thing and frankly, it was weird and intimidating. Finding your groove those first few weeks is HARD. Learning how to use yet another piece of equipment while you are trying to do everything else is stressful. Yes, you really do need to either breastfeed or pump every two hours. Yes, this includes during the night. BOY IS IT EXHAUSTING, but I will stress that it does get easier. Your boobs will be sore. You’ll be tired. Somehow two hours feels like two seconds during the beginning stages of this journey, but you do find a rhythm and you and baby figure it all out together.
3. I would have never supplemented with formula. I hadn’t intended on doing it, but when the “professionals” are pushing it and you’re clueless, what else do you do? You take their advice. BUT I will say that they don’t know what’s going to work and what won’t work any more than you do. It’s your kid and frankly he/she has been with you since the beginning. You know what you’ve been eating. You know your baby best. I prepped my body before getting pregnant by eating healthy. I didn’t do the best while pregnant, but I am still convinced that my son is a keto baby who did not do well with all the sugar (there are like 4 different types of sugar in formula) and man-made supplements when he had been getting everything naturally from me and my diet. If your baby does well on formula, you do what works for you and your baby, but it was not ideal for us.
4. I wish I had understood that my body would do what it needed to do; it just takes time and practice. I felt like I could never get ahead with my supply. Oddly enough, it wasn’t until I went back to work and had been back for a couple of weeks did I put my first bag of liquid gold in the freezer. (That day I felt like I had earned the greatest award a mom could ever pray for). My husband and I worked out a system- I woke up with baby at 5:30 to feed him. I fed him again at 7:00. I pumped at 8:00 and left that bottle out for my husband to feed him at 10:00. I then came home during my lunch break at noon to nurse him and brought home the milk I had pumped while at work. He would then give it to him at 3:00 and I would feed him when I got off work at 5:00. Then we nursed every evening for hours. This has worked out great for us. Now my milk is fattier and holds him over longer, which has allowed me to stock up a nice stash in the freezer. Our routine has allowed my body to know every two hours to let down and I pump it off or feed him if he’s with me. We have enough. We make enough. The milk is formulated specifically for his needs. He is growing, gaining weight, and thriving.
5. The book The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding changed my life. There are so many excellent tips and knowledge that I gained from reading that book. It was suggested to me AFTER I returned to work and I’m so grateful I found it. It gave me game-changing instructions on how to breastfeed at night and let me tell you, we both sleep “like babies” all night long. This is a 180 degree turnaround from the sleepless nights of screaming and writhing in pain. GET THIS BOOK.
6. Water, water, water. AND LOTS OF FOOD. Breastfeeding literally drains you. You need excessive amounts of water and calories. Do yourself a favor and buy the biggest cup you can find and drink constantly. Eat a high fat, high protein diet and snack while you’re pumping or after you’ve breastfed. Your body will thank you and will continue producing for your next session.

There are so many things I could share, but these are the things I have learned from experience. Breastfeeding is the most difficult thing I’ve ever done, but it is also the most rewarding thing. Seeing my son happy and developing and knowing that my body is supplying him with everything he needs is the most fulfilling part of it all. It makes everything worth it.

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