I see you. The Mama struggling to get her baby just to accept the breast. I see you. The Mama in true pain because her baby has a bad latch. I see you. The Mama who pumps all day but still has to give baby a bottle. I see you. I have been you.
With my daughter, Autumn, I struggled with all of those issues: avoidance, bad latch, and low supply. I wasn’t able to exclusively nurse her like I had intended. I was so devastated that I couldn’t do this “natural” act of fulfilling my baby’s needs. It pretty much ruined my immediate motherhood experience.
I don’t remember my daughter being born, but I do remember “waking up” to my husband telling me that Autumn had trouble breastfeeding and my nipple was a little beat up (I had a purple hickey from my 6lb piranha). Right from the beginning our nursing relationship wasn’t vibing. Unfortunately I let this negative experience taint my nursing.
I chose to pump for Autumn rather than struggle to nurse her. Pumping milk every three hours (every two hours at first) is more exhausting than half-asleep pulling baby to breast and dozing back off together. I was so incredibly worn out, disappointed, and disconnected from my baby that I didn’t even feel like a mother.
After 2 months of emptiness and struggle, I went to the doctor and got a diagnosis of Post Partum Depression. With teatment, I was finally able to get back in touch with myself. My patience, compassion, and joy returned quickly. I found that I was starting to enjoy motherhood instead of dread it. Autumn and I even started trying to nurse again.
Things were going along swimmingly! I’d feed her at the breast, she’d eat “real” food, wouldn’t need a bottle, and we’d share the special time just for us.
Of course something always has to shake things up. I had a seizure at work soon after Autumn began solids. I was put on new medications and advised not to nurse anymore. Outwardly I reasoned that it was a good thing since Autumn was weaning anyway. On the inside, I was devastated that just when we were beginning to get the hang of breastfeeding, we were being forced to stop. It felt so unfair.
Three Years Later
The Universe has paid me back! I am having the most beautiful nursing relationship with Porter! The odds were stacked against us from the start. He was rushed to the NICU immediately after birth and was given formula as protocol. We missed the “Golden Hour” to initiate breastfeeding while I was recovering in Labor & Delivery and Porter was being attended to by the Neonatologists.
On top of everything else, Porter was 5lb 3oz at 38 weeks, making him Small For Gestational Age (he wasn’t even on the growth chart!). These babies’ only goals are to gain weight and learn to feed effectively. Initially, I was required to give Porter a few milliliters of formula with every feeding and limit his nursing to short periods of time so he didn’t burn more calories than he was consuming. I would pump after each feeding and soon enough I amassed a small supply of pumped colostrum to supplement him with. My milk came in during our hospital stay and I didnt have to supplement with any formula since his first day!
Despite all of these obstacles that could each impact efforts to breastfeed, Porter and I have enjoyed a blissful nursing experience. My struggles nursing Autumn prepared me for this time around. I knew what to expect, what to look out for, and when to get help. If I hadn’t known how hard nursing could be, I wouldn’t know how lucky I am now.
Mama struggling to make breastfeeding work, I see you. Know that if you persist and just take it latch by latch, nursing will get easier. You know what else? If nursing just isn’t for you and your baby, causes you too much stress, or if you just can’t get over a hump, don’t fret. Seek lactation help if you want it (WIC programs and hospitals can be so helpful). Every drop of breast milk that baby gets is valuable, meaningful, and nourishing. Giving bottle (of pumped milk or formula) is just as nourishing and a great bonding opportunity for mom, dad, or any other willing bottle-giver.
If you’re agonizing over feeding choices and perceived expectations, just keep your mantra simple: Feed your baby. Feel no shame. Do what is best for you and baby.
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article sponsered by Northern Michigan certified lactation consulting and Mother Hubbards Country Cupboard
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