Disclaimer:
Of course if you are concerned about your baby please follow your gut. You know more about your baby than anyone. Seek one to one support from a breastfeeding counselor, lactation consultant, midwife, health visitor, or even your GP if you are concerned for your baby’s health.
It’s the fourth time your newborn has woken you in the night, they for a bit and settles. You think you are safe to but they down safely in the cot because that is what you have been told you must do for their safety, so you give it a try. The eyes blink and flutter, they give you disgruntled sounds, your eyes raise to the ceiling and you sigh. Why won’t they sleep? All your friends/relatives are telling you that they would sleep if you give a bottle and you contemplate it.
Wait…
Hold still there, in that moment. I can feel your frustration, your need for rest, you worry that your baby is not normal because they wake so often or won’t settle on their own.
Well, it is normal. All very normal. Doesn’t make it any less frustrating and tiring for you. It doesn’t stop those niggling little doubts that you aren’t doing what is right. But you are, you are doing all you can and all you should.
For 9 months your baby was a part of you, inside you, safe, warm, comforted. When they are born we expect them to be able to do something that they have never ever had to do before – be separated from you. We expect them to sleep on their own, without the comfort of the one person they know inside out and depend on.
Regular waking can be absolutely normal in a breastfed baby and it is often not true that parents get more sleep with a bottlefed baby (especially if feeds are made up to government guidelines [1]. Think about how you sleep in the night, I can guarantee you don’t always sleep through either. Waking is a normal sleep behaviour and in newborns is thought to be protective [2].
This does not last forever, sleep patterns change as babies grow, their time of needing you does change and you can get through this. It may be cliché but in the early days of your baby’s life it is important to have coping mechanisms for the lack of sleep:
- Resting during the day when your baby is sleeping is important. You may not be able to sleep yourself but you can rest by reading, guided meditation or mindful relaxations.
- Visitors during the day can wait until you want to see them unless they are coming to help you with household business.
- Get to grips with breastfeeding positions that will maximise your opportunities to rest like side lying or laid back positioning.
- Recognise when you need to have some uninterrupted rest and have your partner do skin to skin with the baby, or have a helper take baby for a walk during a time when you know that a feed is not imminent.
Have a look at these safe sleep guidelines from The Lullaby Trust. BASIS also have some great evidence based information on infant sleep. And UNICEF Baby Friendly Initiative have a great little leaflet on how to cope at night.
It’s now 9pm and you’re 4 hours deep into a cluster feeding session. You’re tired. Nothing at this time seems to settle your baby except the breast so you move them from side to side. It’s not hurting, the positioning and attachment is great, your baby is growing, they’re weeing and pooing normally (if you are having any of the opposite of what I just said please seek breastfeeding support) but this cluster feeding is worrying you.
Is it normal? You worry that your baby is perpetually hungry, that you aren’t producing enough milk to satisfy them. You start to think about giving them a bottle to give yourself a break and to make sure your baby is satisfied.
Wait again…
Look at your baby, they are content to be near you. They are settled on you, they are enjoying being with you, reinforcing the connection that you share. Live in this moment if you can, it won’t always be like this. You won’t always have long cluster feeding sessions.
Cluster feeding at certain points during the day can be very normal. Your baby wants some comfort and security, they are trying to build up your milk supply.
If your baby is cluster feeding constantly it may be worth getting it checked out at your local breastfeeding drop in, with a breastfeeding counselor or a lactation consultant.
Being the soul source of nutrition for your baby can be overwhelming at time and it is normal to sometimes feel tapped out, that feeling of just not wanting someone to touch you for two minutes. There are some things that you can do to cope with cluster feeds:
- Once you know your baby’s pattern you can have things in place that ensure you don’t get caught out without something. Have snacks and a drink ready. Have a book/e-reader close by. Ensure your phone is within reach. Make sure your Netflix or Amazon Prime queues are up to date with the latest bingeable shows.
- Make sure that when your baby is having a break from cluster feeding that you stretch, move, have a change of scenery, go to the toilet. Don’t be afraid of also meeting your needs.
- If you know that you are reaching a point where you are feeling tapped out ask your partner to support you either by sitting next to you or taking over the cuddling task. Skin to skin with the other parent is an excellent way for them to bond and gives you time to catch your breath. You will be surprised how refreshed you feel after having 20 minutes of space. Maybe try a guided meditation like yoga nidra or a mindful relaxation. Focus on your breathing and center yourself again.
- Find a breastfeeding drop in that feels good for you. Find women who are having very similar experiences to you and know that you are not alone.
You are strong enough and you can do this
Parenting and breastfeeding are natural but in our society we have lost what actually constitutes as normal breastfed baby behaviour. You won’t make a rod for your own back, you cannot spoil your baby and you aren’t creating bad habits, this won’t last forever it will change and grow as you all move through this journey together. Right now you are doing what your baby needs and what on a primal level your body knows it needs to. A change in attitude surrounding your baby’s needs can lead to you accepting the actions that are needed.
But never be worried about asking for help, for recognising how tough it can be, sometimes even isolating. Listen to those around you but filter so you can only hear those that resonate with and explore what is right for you, your baby and your family.
[1] Amy Brown: How the myth of the ‘good baby’ is damaging breastfeeding
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