A strange thing has happened this week as we passed the point where Stevie would have a 90%-95% chance of survival were she to come now, my anxiety has had a huge surge. It was unexpected and I can’t really pinpoint what the cause is. My moods have been off the charts too, as in, generally I have been in a great happy calm mood, then something irritates me and instantaneously I can barely contain my rage….I’m guessing it is mainly #whoremones.
I keep panicking about stillbirth. I know, borrowing worry from tomorrow. I think it is mainly a symptom of having to ask someone else for information on my daughter’s activity levels. It is messing with my head.
I know that you have no control in truth when you are pregnant but I would really like the illusion of control that having the movement in my own body would offer me. Right now I am struggling but I am trying to stay calm and talk myself down. SSIL and Dax have both been simply telling me it’s fine, that I have to stop imagining the worst case scenarios. And they are probably right.
I know several women who have lost their precious babies to stillbirth and the numbers scare me. 1 in 200 babies are stillborn every year. To me, who is 1 in 5000 thanks to MRKH, that is a fucking terrifying statistic. I have lost the numbers game before.
Please let me not lose this time.
We have books on caring for babies and I can’t bring myself to read them. The nursery is, as yet, still untouched. It is still a storage room. The thought of doing it paralyses me. We bought our first bulk buy of nappies yesterday and I almost cried.
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME.
Me – when contemplating doing the nursery…
How do I move past my fears? Exercise might help I guess. I need to get out running (10 days till the Great North Run….oh shit! I have hardly trained….) and I think I may need to try some sort of meditation or something.
Or yoga. I think that might work.
I have only three more weeks of drinking before I start boob pumping so my incredibly healthy crutch of “Wine” will soon be gone. Ha!
I am open to suggestions.
Infertility and loss steals so much from us, I am really fucking annoyed that my fears have crept back so starkly. #begoneanxiety
As if she could tell, apparently Stevie kicked up a storm this morning, as though she was trying to say to me “Calm the fuck down Ma, I’m FINE!!”
I’m so excited to meet this little cracker of a little girl!!
Work no longer takes my mind off anything. I vacantly stare out of the window for most of my days. I cannot hack the deadline driven, hectic nature of my job right now. I might have to talk to my boss about going onto low stress projects until I go on “I’m Getting a Baby Leave” (from here on known as IGAB Leave). However, I should probably keep up the ruse that I am coping and wait until after my pay review, which is imminent. In this year’s review I shall learn whether or not I have gotten my long overdue promotion. I will blog about this in a separate post.
In the milk cannons project I have since managed with HARDLY ANY shower-massaging to extract a drop from each boob big enough to coat the tip of my finger!
EXCITED.
And SCARED.
That is all for now.
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article sponsered by Northern Michigan certified lactation consulting and Mother Hubbards Country Cupboard
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