Hi, I have decided to start this blog because, well frankly, my journey into motherhood has totally sucked and I want other ladies out there who are having a crappy time to
1. Know that they are not alone
and
2. Maybe someone will benefit from all the shit that I have had go wrong so far!
I welcomed a beautiful little man into the world 16weeks ago via Caesarean. I had known he would be born via csection however what I didn’t anticipate was the breastfeeding issues we would face and just how unsettled he would be. I had decided long ago, even before I was pregnant, my children would be exclusively breastfed for a minimum of 6 months. I had expressed antenatlly, baked lactation cookies, bought special breastfeeding teats and bottles and an electric breast pump in case I needed to express and I didn’t dare buy formula.
When my waters broke I rocked up to the hospital and was taken for my perfect maternal assisted csection – being able to lift my little human from my abdomen was a breath taking moment and finding out he was a “he”was so special. I remember thinking he looked like a potato and had a horrible squeal cry but he was all mine. Months of worry and anguish were over I had my healthy little man. The worst part of the csection was the spinal they had trouble getting it in and I was terrified I wouldn’t be awake when Bub was born however after 4 attempts, some hip pain and just curling into the tightest ball possible my bum went tingly and I knew it was in. Phew.
In recovery and on the postnatal ward my little man decided that he didn’t want to attach to my breast – I wasn’t worried, I had expressed antenatally and had a good supply not to mention my massive supply in the freezer of over 50ml! I was going to breastfeed it just may take some time. As the days went on we still couldn’t get him to attach, I was expressing and the supply in the freezer was dwindling we were finger feeding him and after 2 hours of trying one night did get him attached… Phew. I spent my days dribbling milk into his mouth then trying to latch him again and again and again. I saw a lactation consultant the day we were leaving who said everything looked good and he should be attaching. She suggested nipple shields until he was bigger which he ended up latching with ur not after many tears at home and watching how to use them on YouTube. There was talk of him having a posterior tongue tie, lip tie and high palate and if we need these revised. After 2 weeks of being home, having a baby who screamed all the time, screamed more when offered the breast, was on and off the nipple shields and generally very cranky I decided to take him to a speech pathologist who said his tongue tie etc weren’t an issue and to forget the special breastfeeding teats and bottles and just give our baby a bottle of expressed milk or continue with the shields he would be able to do it when he was bigger. I was so worried about nipple confusion and breast refusal however thankfully this wasn’t an issue. However My little boy remained very unhappy, very windy, colic etc. I went to the lactation consultant again and basically said the nipple shield was shit – heinsight is a great thing and I think that was just my baby as he was doing the same thing on and off the bottles however I was too tired to notice and needed him better. After 4 weeks and gallons of tears, no sleep, nipple shields being thrown across the room and needing to move back in with my parents due to my baby crying for most hours of the day and night – he would even cry in his sleep plus hubby going back to work the lactation consultant said “I think u need him looked over by a paed again, he doesn’t look sick but I haven’t seen a baby fight so hard against their mother or the bottle” . We gave baby 1 bottle of regular formula as my milk supply was getting low as he was guzzling 120mL every 2-3 hours (turns out we were over feeding him adding to his belly pain and his unsettledness however h would also scream if he wasn’t fed … vicious cycle) and he cried and screamed the whole next day more then usual and you could just hear his tummy growling- I thought formula made it easy and babies sleep? Feed times were horrible, I felt like a failure and off to the doctor we went. Thankfully the LC had spoken to him ahead of me so I didn’t have to go and explain it was all done for me I just had to listen. He asked me if I wanted to breastfeed I said I did but if it was making my baby so unhappy and in so much pain I would stop – I mean he wasn’t even attaching to the breast and pumping was taking its toll. He gave us hypoallergenic formula to try and said to keep expressing for a Week if it made no difference then it was colic and this would be our life until he was about 4 months old. If it did make a difference there was the possibility of an intolerance like cows milk and I could keep breastfeeding but would need to cut out gluten, dairy, nuts, eggs and seafood — say what? What is left? Now I am a massive googler and I research EVERYTHING but this I didn’t look into I was too tired, too defeated and honestly too upset with everything not to mention everyone telling me how much better he was. We started him on his horribly expensive formula and he did improve not 100% but happier which when he was so upset was amazing. I promised myself I wouldn’t stop expressing when I was tired or cranky or in the middle of the night so I kept expressing for a week or so until I decided I would stop. I couldn’t deal with washing bottles, pumps, making formula, expressing AND a special diet and seeing bub happier I decided to suppress lactation I mean this formula had helped so much in a week. Maybe breast wasnt best for him. I continued to produce milk for weeks which broke my heart until it all dried up ( minus a few drops if I expressed). At this time my breastfeeding naturally book arrived. I was so angry at this breastfeeding “propaganda”that had arrived I refused to even open it, since then I have read it and there is fantastic information in it. I was angry at the formula tins and WHO information that kept telling me breastmilk is best when all I wanted to do was breastfeed I felt like a huge failure. Overall I was so angry at myself and my baby that we couldn’t make it work. Feeling anger towards your baby is awful and not something I wish to experience again.
Fast forward now… He is 16 weeks old, he hadn’t had any breast milk for 10 weeks and guess what he is still cranky. He did initially improve but then it stopped getting better. I had given up everything for a happy baby and I didn’t have one…… Life was sooooooo unfair. I couldn’t breastfeed and I was heartbroken. My milk was gone and I had given up something so important to me for what seemed like nothing. This brings us to today. We have a baby with suspected cow milk protein intolerance, reflux on max doses of medications, has been to sleep school as he doesn’t like sleeping – a mother who was on the brink of post natal depression and then or day a baby who decided he would latch onto my breast and suck…. Say what now! This baby that fought and screamed and arched back and scratched just latched on sucked and smiled at me …
This lit a fire, can you get your milk back? I thought once it was gone that’s it – apparently not. Sadly it is a lot of work therefore very limited information about it online so I decided to write a blog, for anyone out there who is thinking about it- successful or not I am going to document our journey.
I have cut out gluten and dairy due to bubs tummy issues ( although I’m not sure he is intolerant to anything he just is a temperamental little dude)and have started expressing 6-8 times per day with my Medela swing single pump. Bub will latch to the breast without too much of a fight ( depending on the time of day) so I have bought a Supplemental Nursing System to try and get him back feeding from the breast and tomorrow I have an appointment with a lactation consultant. I’m hiring a better breast pump and have started on fernugreek 2000mg three times a day. I can currently only express a few drops of milk (as in 0.1mL of milk over 3 expressions no not 1mL 0.1mL lol) and that is where we stand…. Now only time will tell.
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article sponsered by Northern Michigan certified lactation consulting and Mother Hubbards Country Cupboard
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