Daniella Urdinlaiz / lookcatalog
1. He started sucking on my tit, expecting milk.
“I was 19, he was 22, going to college for ‘astronomy.’ He started sucking on my tit too hard. I stopped him and asked him what the hell was he doing, and he responded with ‘Where’s the milk?’”
2. He joined the Klan while dating me. I’m not white…
“When he joined the Klan while dating me. I’m not white…”
3. He thought birds’ bones were filled with helium.
“When he asked if birds’ bones were hollow because they were filled with helium.”
4. He thought cheese was a vegetable.
“First time cooking together. I handed him a block of cheese to grate and he turned to me and said, ‘I’ve never grated cheese before, how do you use this thing?’ then about a half hour later he apologized for being vegan and said ‘sorry about my dietary restrictions, vegan recipes can be hard to find.’ never did he say he was vegan then I told him if he was vegan we’d have to make a different dish because of the cheese. He replied with, ‘why would you think I couldn’t have cheese? I’m vegan, I can have vegetables.’ he actually thought cheese was a vegetable….and he was ‘vegan.’ Nope, never again.”
5. He thought daffodils were animals.
“I told him I liked daffodils and after a pause he said, ‘that’s an animal, right?’”
6. He thought Catholics were Jewish because the pope wears a funny hat.
“My boyfriend told me that Catholics aren’t Christian, they are Jewish. I argued that he was incorrect and he said ‘Well the pope is a Jew, that’s why he wears that funny hat.’ I decided to keep him even though he’s a bit dim at times.”
7. He thought that breasts held ‘memory glands.’
“My ex-husband thought that breasts held ‘memory glands’ and felt bad after he accidentally hit me in the tit because he thought that he made me lose some memories by hitting me.”
8. He wanted to take me to the ‘Leaning Tower of Pizza.’
“He wrote me a romantic letter saying he wanted to travel the world with me—one of the places he mentioned was the Leaning Tower of Pizza.”
9. He thought being an organ donor meant they could take your organs while you were alive.
“He was getting his license renewed and they asked him if he wanted to be an organ donor. He said no. When I asked why he told me it was because he didn’t want the government to come knocking for any of his organs when he still needed them. He really thought that becoming an organ donor meant that, at any time, his organs could be taken.”
10. He thought girls could get pregnant from swallowing during a BJ.
“I gave my ex a bj and the next day I woke up to him in a panic.
‘What’s wrong?’
‘We have to go get a Plan B.’
‘What? Why?’
‘You swallowed. I’m not ready to be a father.’”
11. He thought the sky was a big black blanket and stars were stuck to it.
“We were laying out under the stars and he asked why some were brighter and others dimmer. I told him that there were different sizes, brightnesses and distances away. Confused silence.
‘You mean, they’re not stuck up there?’
I’m lying there thinking this can’t be true. But oh yes, it was. Upon further questioning I found that he believed the night sky was a big dark blanket like thing with stars stuck on it. The fact that our sun was a star also blew his mind and that just like our sun, other stars could have planets? Too much.”
12. He thought the Nation of Islam was a place.
“He thought the Nation of Islam was a place. When I explained to him this was not the case, he responded with, ‘agree to disagree.’”
13. He said the color orange didn’t exist.
“When he said the color orange didn’t exist, because it was really just pink and red mixed together.”
14. He thought baby humans took time to open their eyes like kittens.
“We went to visit his sister a week after she had her first child. The baby was asleep when we arrived but they let him hold her. He whispers, ‘Has she opened her eyes yet?’ He thought all baby mammals took time to open their eyes like kittens.”
15. He thought the sun turns into the moon at night.
“When he berated me for not knowing that the sun turns in to the moon at night. Guess I missed that particular lesson in science.”
16. He thought 9/11 led to World War I.
“Asked him what event resulted in WWI. His response was 9/11. He was serious.”
17. He shot himself in the leg twice while cleaning it.
“He shot himself in the leg twice while cleaning it. The same gun. 2 weeks apart. Edit: sorry, yes, cleaning the gun. 9 mm. Shot himself in the calf the first time, then took out his kneecap the second time, same leg. Took months of surgeries to fix it.”
18. He called me a child molester for breast-feeding my son.
“I dated a guy for about a month until I found out that he didn’t realize that women’s breasts made actual milk to feed their babies. He thought ‘breast feeding’ was just a way to hold a baby while giving it a bottle.
I told him he was an idiot and he said, with a disgusted sneer, ‘I didn’t know that because I have never known any woman, who had or would, breast feed their child.’
I told him that I had breast fed my son and he called me a child molester.”
19. He said Halloween was on Friday the 13th.
“‘Oh wow, Halloween is on Friday the 13th this year!’ no, no it’s not.”
20. He said you could regrow your virginity after six months.
“He truly believed that you regrow your virginity after six months of no sex….His belief had nothing to do with the hymen or religious constructs. He just thought six months of no sex = poof virginity!”
21. He thought that rabbits walked like cats.
“We were out to dinner and he was reading the menu and he said ‘What’s a green bean?.’ Excuse me? You don’t know what a green bean is? He said ‘No, like I know what a green bean is but what is it?’
Same guy, I have rabbits and one of them hopped by him in the living room and he said, ‘Oh my god what’s wrong with him?’ I said ‘Uhh nothing, what do you mean?’ He said ‘Why is he jumping like that? Did he hurt his legs?’ He had never seen a rabbit hop. He thought they walked like cats.”
22. He thought Boston and Massachusetts were in two different places.
“We were watching a movie together when he asks, ‘Where is this movie filmed?’ to which I answer ‘Massachusetts.’ He says ‘Oh.’ Later in the movie a cop car that says ‘Boston Police Department’ appears onscreen. He turned and looked at me with a GOTCHA kinda look in his eyes and said ‘HA! Massachusetts? It’s in BOSTONNNN!’….I still love him.”
23. He thought fixing a dog meant removing its penis.
“We were playing with my dog when my boyfriend remarked ‘I thought he was fixed.’ I said, yes, of course he’s fixed. ‘But he still has a penis.’ He thought fixing a dog meant removing its penis.”
24. He called lingerie ‘linguine,’ as in the pasta.
“He called lingerie ‘linguine.’ As in the pasta.”
25. He said that there are two 12s on every clock, one on the top and one at the bottom.
“When he tried to make me feel like an idiot for contradicting his statement that there are two 12s on a clock. Did the whole annoyed, ‘Have you even ever looked at a clock? There is a 12 at the top and a 12 at the bottom!’ I just stared at him an let it slowly sink in. This was last week and I’ve been married to this idiot for 3 years.”
26. He didn’t know how to eat an apple.
“When I asked him if he wanted an apple. He said yes, so I pulled one out of the fridge and handed it to him. He looked confused and asked me to slice it for him because he’d never eaten an apple whole before and wasn’t sure how. He was 27.”
27. He didn’t know the difference between an olive and a grape.
“When he didn’t know the difference between an olive and a grape.”
28. He thought women peed out of their vaginas.
“When I had to explain to him, despite the fact that he was 5 years older than me and had been sexually active for years, that no, women don’t pee out of our vaginas. And that even if we did, that is not a valid excuse not to perform oral in his case, because he still expected to receive oral, and definitely peed out of his penis.”
29. He thought girls pee out of their butts.
“When he told me he thought girls pee out of their butts.”
30. He thought the earth was a thousand years old.
“He told me the earth was MAYBE a thousand years old, humans and dinosaurs existed at the same time, dinosaur bones were planted in the ground, and that carbon dating was extremely flawed and couldn’t actually prove anything. He was in grad school when we dated.”
31. He told me his dream in life was to freeze fire.
“He told me his dream in life was to freeze fire. He wasn’t joking. He wanted to ‘do the impossible.’”
32. His grammar was so horrible that his Facebook statuses often had a translate link even though he was supposedly typing English.
“He graduated high school, yet his grammar was so horrible that his Facebook statuses often had a translate link even though he was supposedly typing English.”
33. He INSISTED that the moon’s gravitational pull caused my periods.
“When he INSISTED that the moon’s gravitational pull caused my periods. That it would actually help pull the blood and lining from uterus. I burst out laughing and he started slamming stuff in anger because he said I was making him feel stupid. I replied, ‘Well I’m sorry you feel stupid for saying something stupid’ I was NOT a nice partner.”
—elizapornberry [tc-mark]
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article sponsered by Northern Michigan certified lactation consulting and Mother Hubbards Country Cupboard
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