My dog Marjorie almost made me cry this morning.I’ve survived rejection plenty of times in my life– by schools, men, jobs, coffee houses that don’t carry soy products, etc –but when my alarm went off at six and my sweet, fluffy baby girl refused to climb up onto the bed and engage in our morning ritual of some light petting and cuddles before breakfast and a walk, I didn’t know what to do with myself. It was like a Bon Iver song started playing out of nowhere and I could feel my heart breaking.
You might think I’m being dramatic, but I was caught off guard. I’ve been sensing a rift for a while now, and I guess I just didn’t realize how bad it had gotten. Usually, Margie would hear my alarm, climb out of her own bed, and jump up onto mine, where she would then throw herself onto her back (usually punching me in the face repeatedly until I open my eyes) in preparation for a belly rub. This morning, though, my alarm went off, and she just lifted her head from across the room. She began, at first, to get up, but then, only halfway off the ground, she looked at me apprehensively and stopped moving completely.
Her look seemed to say, “Dude, come on. I can see you’re already awake. You don’t need me over there anymore. I’m not your fucking fluffy slave. Get your shit together,” and then she plopped right back down in her own bed.
I returned her look with the incredulous stare made popular by mothers everywhere that says, “Oh, I’m so sorry for feeding you, putting a roof over your head, providing daily belly rubs, and walking into the great 15 fucking degrees outdoors with you every goddamn morning. I guess I just can’t do anything right anymore.”
She responded by making an unimpressed “Mrrrrrrr” noise quite similar to one made by Marge in The Simpsons, then getting up, passing my bed, and walking away into the living room, all, “Let me know when breakfast’s ready, biotch.” Cue Bon Iver.
I don’t know what I did to deserve her distaste. I’d like to think I’m a really good dog owner. I take her on multiple walks every day, shower her with affection, and always buy the more expensive dog food varieties. The real kicker is that she absolutely loves my boyfriend, and it’s like, yeah, okay, I get it, he’s super sweet and playful and he lets you pull on the leash sometimes, but, like, I’m the one that saved your ass from doggy shelter execution, girl. LOVE MEEEEEE.
Anyway, I’m going to be proactive about this. I’ve got to stop this h8 train before it leaves the station. I’ve come up with a few ideas to MAKE. HER. LOVE. ME.
1. UTILIZE ‘UNIQUE’ PET VOICE: If you’re an obsessed pet owner, you’ve probably already got one of these. You know, that super high, kind of nasally, pre-school-y voice that all your friends think is totally annoying but that you can’t really stop using around your pet even if you try? That one. Use it to your full advantage. Turn the excessiveness of that voice up enough that even your dog hates it, and then turn it up some more. Tell your dog, in your dog voice, to come give you kisses. When your dog refuses, tell them again. and again. and again. Eventually, your dog will hate the sound of your dog voice so much that she will have no choice but to come shower you with doggy affection in order to make it stop.
2. PICK UP YOUR DOG: All the time. Every time you see her. Every time she walks into a room. Even if you have a big dog. Maybe even especially if you have a big dog. And really hold her close, even when she squirms to get away. She may act like she’s uncomfortable or hates it, but deep down, she’ll know you care.
3. SLEEP ON THE OUTSIDE OF THE BED: If you’re in a relationship (or even if you just share a bed with your Mom) and you sleep on the inside of the bed, it is essential that you switch places with your partner RIGHT NOW. You need to show your dog that you are accessible 24/7. More importantly, you need to force your dog to accept your love over your partner’s. When your dog climbs up onto the bed to say hello, you must be the Berlin Wall of beds and keep your puppy in your own sweet, loving, totalitarian arms.
4. GOSSIP ABOUT YOUR PARTNER: Tell your dog secrets when your significant other isn’t around. Lie if you have to, but make sure your dog knows without a doubt that your love is steadfast whilst your partner’s dog-love is shifty at best. Say things like, “Listen, I don’t want to hurt you, but you deserve to know the truth…He told me he’d walk you to the end of the Earth…just to throw you off,” or, “He doesn’t even like you that much…the other day he de-tagged a picture of himself with you on facebook and said he was sick of being associated with a fatty,” and then follow with compliments like, “you’re sooo beautiful and good and slender!” or “I would walk you to the end of the Earth and then take an end of the Earth selfie with you and post it as my prof. pic.”
5. EMPTY THREATS: If nothing else seems to be working, it’s probably because nothing says I love you more than meaningless threats. I mean, don’t be rude or anything. Definitely use your dog voice and start out with, “I love you, sweet baby of my soul, but…” and then just let ‘em rip. Explain that you’ll have to move to Bushwick, a million miles away from the park if she doesn’t start allowing you to give her belly rubs. Turn on the vacuum cleaner and ask her over the roar if she would rather be cleaned like the carpet or walk side by side with you. Tell her you’ll take her back to the high-kill shelter in Arkansas if she doesn’t get over here and cuddle with you right the Hell now.
Maybe these suggestions seem harsh, but really, what pet could resist such pure and passionate affection? To quote Queen Elizabeth, “Life is harsh, man. Woof.” You’ve got to do whatever it takes to force your dog into your outstretched arms. Feel free to try all five ideas out at home with your own pets and let me know how great they work, because you’re welcome.
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